Over time the chatter in my head was getting louder, more persistent and darker. I realised I needed professional help. I thought I needed to sit down face-to-face with somebody which is why I was searching for a counsellor near me. However this pandemic made me rethink now I work via Skype and I’m not sure where the counsellor even lives. I found the right person for me not the nearest counsellor that could help me. So it was good, after all I was ready and willing to sit with that counsellor. So it was the best option for me and I’m very glad I did.
The counsellor was very kind to sit with me and talk with me while I recounted my story and was listening very intently. It was clear that my inner voice was telling me one thing and my dialogue was another. The inner voice was telling me to hurt myself, steal, kill, commit suicide and the dialogue was all about the dangers of drugs, alcohol, suicide, the law and the ramifications of what I was doing to myself. The inner voice made the connection between my actions and the pain I felt and the judgmental people around me who wouldn’t understand. The dialogue was full of fear and loneliness, shame, guilty feelings, rage and guilt, “I’ve done this, what am I going to do about it”, “How did I let them get me so far?”
I was still experiencing the symptoms of depression, anxiety, PTSD and generalized anxiety disorder. When you suffer from many things at the same time, it becomes hard to be around people for long periods of time. I did not wish to be in the company of people who didn’t understand my problems and my pain. I was scared of the judgement I would have to face. I knew there would be judgment, shame and guilt, but I was ignorant about how my thoughts would cause these emotions. I couldn’t understand how I had let it happen.
I was also angry at God for allowing this to happen. I was angry that He let me suffer so long and not help me. I was angry at myself for getting into these habits. I was angry that I let this happen and this was the dialogue I was having with my inner voice. It was clear that I was angry with God and myself. My inner voice was telling me to steal, kill, kill, commit suicide, hurt myself and tell everyone I met. This was the dialogue I was having with the person who spoke with God.
I was confused and angry at why God allowed me to be this way. I was confused about my thoughts, I was angry that people knew but didn’t help me. I was angry that I felt good about killing myself. I was angry that I didn’t know how to stop it and didn’t know what I was supposed to do. I was angry that this had happened to me. I was angry that it took this long to do something about it, but this was the inner dialogue I was having with God.
I was ashamed and saddened at the same time. I was ashamed that I had let this happen. I was saddened that this happened to my family. I was saddened that I had to deal with all of these emotions because I had gotten in this situation.
I wasn’t fully aware of all the implications of what I was doing. I was just moving from one emotion to the next. I was angry, saddened and ashamed that I had gotten in this position. I had to deal with a lot of things at once. I didn’t understand how this could happen, but I also didn’t understand why it was happening to me. I was angry at God for allowing this to happen, and I was ashamed that I had to deal with it. I didn’t understand how God could let it happen, and I didn’t understand why I was going to heaven. I was angry at God, God’s world and everything in God’s system.
I thought God would stop me, but He didn’t. I was not safe. God allowed this to happen, but I didn’t know how. He had control over my emotions. He controlled my thoughts. He controlled my life and I didn’t know how to handle it. I didn’t know how to deal with these feelings, and I trusted Him. I trusted Him with my life.
I didn’t know how to make sense of it. I was not safe. I didn’t know how to have the conversations I needed to have, so I didn’t. I had to take time to talk with God in order to learn how to have the conversations I needed to have in order to have the life He had designed for me.
I had to forgive God, and I had to begin the process of being released from the control I was having over my emotions. I had to forgive myself for letting this happen and begin the process of releasing me from my controlling thoughts. I had to understand that God had control over my emotions and thoughts, and I had to let Him. I had to be my own friend, lover and teacher, so that I would know how to deal with all of these things. I had to begin the process of developing my Will Power.
I knew I needed to learn how to have these conversations with God, but I didn’t know how. It took a little while to develop my Will Power, but I’m getting there. I am starting to understand how to have God’s discussions with myself, and that is very exciting!